up a birdseed view

I like birds. They don't really care for me. For a time, they liked my bird feeder that I got for Mother's Day last year. It brought such joy as different birds paid my feed a visit. Success! I'm helping the birdies! Maybe they like me. 

They stopped frequenting late last summer when the bird feeder was neglected. I can't really blame them, I broke trust. I delivered & then I didn't. The well ran dry & they moved on. Logically makes sense. But really, is there anything more sad then an empty bird feeder?


I say yes. A full, abandoned one. Late in the season I was ready to shape up & show up. I filled the feeder, I wasn't going to let them down again. But the birds had none of it. They didn't come back.

A few weeks ago - Now spring I was eager to try again. New bird seed, new year, new start. We get new beginnings right? Especially in real relationships & not just birdseed related ones of my dramatic back yard. (my mind channel flips to a reality TV preview on desperate lil' birds of helen's yard)

The stink of the human condition. Some relationships, it doesn't matter how you try, will they ever be the same again? The birds still did not come back. 

3-4 weeks after 2015 feeder went up, I watched the untouched $40 piece of food filled plastic sway in the wind. I let this sad message of broken trust sink in. Humans! Who needs them? Humans! Why do I have to be such a human too! Silence. Sigh. Silence.

"I Am always faithful" - He broke the silence.

"yes Lord, You Are."  Here I was feeling pitiful because I've been 'consistent' & haven't built back a bird's trust.  God knows what that is like & His consistent faithfulness supersedes mine beyond all comparison. I'm a lot closer in comparison to an un-trusting bird.

How seldom I dwell on His faithfulness. I throw my head in the air & whine instead of opening my eyes to see God providing the manna.
God does not have a faithfulness problem, I have a gratitude problem.
It is the practice of gratitude that opens our eyes to see His faithfulness.

Gratitude is not the act of spraying perfume on manure & fooling ourselves into being happy with it. Gratitude is simply seeking & recognizing the flower that grows out of the fertilizer. & my friend, if there is simply no flower or fruit, it is time to stop looking at the pooh.

The stink of the human condition ought never outweigh the faithfulness of God in our thoughts.

No birds. Oh well.

He Is FAITHFUL.

God is not human, that He should lie, 

not a human being, that He should change His mind. 

Does He speak and then not act? 

Does He promise and not fulfill? 

Numbers 23:19

a Hand in the wild

Tulips are my first memory of experiencing what can grow. I remember the bright red line of happy dancing blooms. I would pretend they were more fragrant than they were. They brought joy. My family grew lots of other things, but I never really thought much of it all, honestly, until I wanted it for myself.

At age 21, married, we landed in a home where I could hear a rooster crowing. This was MY TIME to garden - even if I didn't have a clue what I was doing. My husband & I lived on a small plot next to farmland. The sod was freshly laid atop a field that had grow weeds for years.

I ripped up some sod & planted a few rows of corn. All I got was weeds, tall weeds. Failure. Tall embarrassing failure. And, this being our first yard, we were also failures at lawn care. Our neighbor reported us to the authorities for having noxious weeds. We have litigious documentation of our failure.

5 years, a new home & 2 kids later... Still no garden success. I had a few raspberry canes & a rose bush that never bloomed. Pregnant with my 3rd, I put all my hope into raspberries. Their care matched the energy I didnt have left. Unfortunatly a broad leave killer got too close. Bye bye raspberries. Hello my friend failure.

That same year was a total fail in the yard world as well. We began referring to our yard as a jungle because it literally was. The fence was covered in vine, several trees & bushes volunteered from the ground & were left unchecked. The surface area where actual grass was growing became smaller & smaller. We lived in jungle wild.

I was delusional thinking I could ever possibly garden. I couldn't even keep grass alive. & everything that was living was crowding out my sense of sanity! Being preggers & perhaps a tad hormonal, these circumstances were met with a perhaps less rational & more emotional mind.

That was a week before I was admitted to the hospital. My growing baby was 21 weeks along. Fortunately babe #3 was fine. I, however, had a kidney stone that was not curable while pregnant. After an uncomfortable device was surgically implanted inside my 'tummy area' I was discharged from the hospital. I still remember the relentless pain & helpless feeling. I could now do nothing.

The day I came home my sweet husband, feeling a bit helpless as well, decided he was going to wage war on the jungle wild. While laying on the couch I saw clompers, a chain saw, gloves, duct tape & several implements of destruction heading out the back door.

After a while, he came back in.

He was carrying a watermelon.

I was confused. Did he steal it? Did he leave me here with Babe #1 & #2 to run off to the store while I was on bed rest? Was this a joke? Did a neighbor give it to him? Funny... We don't have any neighbors growing anything that I'm aware of.

"It was growing in the middle of our yard. There is another one just like it still there." , he said. 

I was still confused. "that was jungle out there! How did a watermelon plant... Oh I remember when we were eating watermelon & spitting the seeds off the back porch. That was like 3 months ago!"

This hidden watermelon treasure in the midst of my helplessness & failure spoke volumes to me:

    true value vs perception

    relentless nature of life - seeds WANT growth

    we sow seeds, but the LORD brings harvest.

    fruit is undeniable & unmistakable

    patience thru failure

    forfeiting gratitude in failure to see good

    God does not abide inside my limited view

Today I'm reminded that it all comes back around to SPACE. If two watermelons could grow neglected among the weeks, then perhaps conditions are favorable in that spot. The next year I experience the first successful garden...in the middle of my yard...in that spot. Not exactly the space I would have chosen.

Babylon was the perfect lush place to create a garden & build up to the heavens (Gen 11). Yet it is in the wilderness, in that space, where God told his people to build a tabernacle - the place where God dwells. It is in the wilderness where the Glory of the Lord appeared (Ex 40:24-35).

My space doesn't need to build anything. My space; my heart, mind, soul & body, just needs to be a place where God can dwell - Emmanuel.

Now, I have tulips & more thriving. Also that rose bush finally bloomed. My garden failures, although still numerous, do not draw police attention to my house. (We can now thank our barking beagle for that.) I find serenity digging in earth dirt, regardless my seeming inability to make success - knowing instead the joy that God meets me there & speaks to me through His success. 

But I the Lord will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.

I will make rivers flow on barren heights, and springs within the valleys.

I will turn the desert into pools of water, and the parched grown into springs.

I will put in the desert the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive.

I will set junipers in the wasteland, the fir and the cypress together,

so that people may see and know, may consider and understand,

that the hand of the LORD has done this,

that the Holy One of Israel has created it.

Isaiah 41:17-20

for starters

A new season is starting. The ground is thawing. Gardeners are starting their seeds indoors, local nurseries are opening their doors with bright flowers. It can be easy, especially for newbies in the garden world, to get lost in the splash of color. So where to begin?

For starters, you need to set aside the SPACE
Space - the yielded surrendered kind - must precede all, even the seed.

I've heard it said that the journey is always more important than the destination; the correct process valued above the final achievement. In growth; the land wins over the harvest. Yes, it is also important in preparation for a garden to clear the debris, rocks & nutrient sapping weeds. The selected spot must have adequate water drainage, good soil, sunlight etc. But let me lay aside this myth... even if everything isn't in perfect condition...I've seen plants grow, even fruit.

How?
Because it has surrendered SPACE, even if it is just a little.

I have seen fruit grow in weeds - watermelon (great story). I currently have a discarded raspberry bush that found survival on a rocky path.  No, not ideal, but it has happened. See, the biggest messes can become purposeful simply by setting aside, or find space for a higher purpose.

Conversely, unsurrendered good soil turns wasteland. It doesn't take long for opportunistic seedlings to drift via wind & take hold of the soil. Or good land that has been worked without rest turns desolate. I'm reminded of the tower of Babel (Gen 11:4). They had space, man power, an effective idea, team work, tools, but the result was fallow land, scattered & confused people simply because they didn't set it all aside for a higher purpose.

I compare a garden to my heart. Many are the plans & figurative weeds/rocks inside. Unless I continually start each day, each endeavour, each thought & each next step with the yielding of the space, I will toil to built my tall towers of purpose in vain.

Surrender EACH step, not just the first.

The good news is that God transforms yielded spaces, however rocky, into good soil.

In fact He is the only one who can.

We can make our own plans, but the LORD gives the right answer.

People may be pure in their own eyes, but the LORD examines their motives.

Commit your actions to the LORD, and your plans will succeed.

The LORD has made everything for his own purposes.

even the wicked for a day of disaster.

The LORD detests the proud; they will surely be punished.

Unfailing love and faithfulness make atonement for sin.

By fearing the LORD, people avoid evil.

When people's lives please the LORD, even their enemies are at peace with them.

Better to have little, with godliness, that to be rich and dishonest.

We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.

Proverbs 16: 1-9

about a flower

Bam!  Beautiful!  Full bloom brilliance.  A flower is not difficult to recognize.  I've never heard anyone say "I think that was a flower, but I wasn't sure".  They are unmistakable.

Fall rolls in & the mums bloom.  Another season, featuring different flowers.   My faulty garden planning did not account for fall blooms.  The annual flowers have faded, perennials out of season.  All I have are herbs - rosemary, thyme, oregano, basil etc.  Lots of pretty greenery, no pretty blooms.  Herbs can bloom, but typically they bolt.

Blooming & bolting produce unmistakable flowers. The process inside the plant is what defines the difference for blooming vs bolting.

To bloom - The product of a healthy plant in a reproductive cycle to establish new seeds, or provide fruit.

To bolt - when a crop prematurely flowers due to stress & unhealthy conditions.  The plant panics & must reproduce quickly in case death is imminent. The crop becomes very bitter to taste.

Here is wiki paraphrased:
To bloom: flourish, a time of vitality, beauty, fragrance.
To bolt: to run quickly away or as a method to fastening something. Not exactly the horticulture definition, but quite telling with connotation.

Am I blooming or am I bolting?

I can clearly identify bolting in my life.  Times of stress, hurt, pride - when I should have been focused on drawing into the vine - John 15:5.  Instead I was focused on those flowers that I thought I could have.  A tree is known by it's fruit, so what am I if I'm not producing fruit?

Even in my front yard it is easy to play the comparison game.  My herbs... there is just not many brilliant flowers there.  It's not their season, nor their purpose.  My neighbors mums - simply breathtaking. (I thought it was a bit stalker-ish to snap a pic of them, so I posted a marigold pic above that I took this summer)

Blooming?  or bolting?

Perhaps its in the words: stress, bitter, fear, pressure, feeling confined, wanting to run or escape. Feelings of having something to prove to others, self or God.  Discontentment,  Very little is as frustrating as watching my best efforts shoot up into a bitter mess.

Even in my front yard it is easy to play the comparison game.  My herbs... they are not brilliant flowers.  It's not their season, nor their purpose.  My neighbors mums - simply breathtaking.

Antidote to bolting?  Let me define another term.

ABIDE

According to Merriam-Webster, Abide is defind as this: TO WAIT for.  to endure without yielding: withstanding.  to bear patiently.  to REMAIN stable or fixed in a state.  to continue in a place.

Take a break from the outward appearance, blooming & fruiting. The French proverb should not be 'bloom where you are planted'.  The proverb should read ABIDE where you are planted.   Sorry to the French, you're wrong on this one.

Abiding is prayer, reading His word, sitting at His feet & listening, living out psalm 84 without interruption.  Being content being HIS.

Healthy plants abide.  Only healthy plants bloom.

My herbs in my front garden are healthy but their value is not in their bloom. They don't need that kind of attention. I will soon harvest & dry their leaves. They will be a sweet fragrance & a savory flavor in my home throughout a dormant winter season.  I could run out and get some hardy mums - blooms are wonderful things - but this year, this season... I really need this reminder of abiding.

Trust in the Lord and do good; 

dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Take delight in the Lord, 

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord; 

trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,

your vindication like the noonday sun.

Be still before the Lord

and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when people succeed in their ways,

when they carry out their wicked schemes.

 Psalm 37:3-7

lurking in the leaves

Want to grow a garden? Start with green beans. My personal preference are pole beans. They grow like a vine so you can even plant them in atypical garden spaces.  

In August & September I enjoy harvesting green beans daily - this year I have separate pole bean towers.  It's important that I turn over all the leaves in search of ripe beans. If I miss one, it will turn tough & the beans start protruding from the typical slender shape.

This year one of my towers has become home to a giant grasshopper (I didn't know God made them that big!).  I found him when I was turning over leaves. Rather he found me. He is reliable to show up when I least expect him, but refuses to be photographed.  He may be a she... I never think to ask. I named him/her Wilber.

I ran into Wilber again today. For the first time he hopped off entirely off the tower & I could finally harvest in peace.

As I continued to over turn leaves today it became quite clear, I fear Wilber. This became more obvious as I found green beans hiding everywhere that had become over-ripe & several rotten. This subtle fear had altered my behavior. I was now missing out on the good stuff...because I was afraid of what might be lurking in the leaves.

My surprise wasn't really that fear motivates me to miss out on things - although it is always a good reminder.  There is much to digest on this part alone.

My revelation was that I HAD NOT REALIZED I WAS AFRAID.

The fear shackles that do the most damage are the ones we don't acknowledge.

I hadn't noticed how timidly I was weaseling my way through the green beans to avoid the surprise of a Godzilla-sized hopper jumping out at me.  I would have never noticed the untouched fruit had the threat not jumped away.  Above all, what can Wilber really do to me anyway?  His only power is to scare me.

What about you? I don't usually ask you much, but today I am asking you to notice. Notice your fears, however irrational.  Notice the why behind your actions.  Is it time to dismiss this power in your life?

A life lived in fear misses everything & gives nothing.  To impact the world, we simply must throw off our fears & live in freedom.

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, 

but gives us power, 

love and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7

a mystery of joy

This is a bachelors button plant. Centaura montana native to europe. This evergreen plant should maintain its leaves even in winter. It grows well in acid or alkaline soils, light sand to clay-like soil & is drought resistant. The only downside is that it doesn't grow in water logged areas. Thanks wikipedia for the info! We all feel smarter now.

This plant brought me joy this summer. Not because I knew about this plant, but because I didn't. In early May I went to my favorite lil' plant shop. I bought a plant that had leaf structure like echinacea, but a bit different. There were no flowers & no tag to identify this plant.

I bought it, planted it, watered it & waited with one purpose: to find joy in discovering what it is. Kinda like a Christmas present.

Joy for me is not in my nature. I struggle. I have to intentionally pull stunts like this so I can stretch my underdeveloped joy muscles. Otherwise I live in the space where I twist happy things into sad & words of encouragement into condemnation. Depression has often been at war deep within me. It is right now.
  
But I can find joy that I have a Centaura Montana growing in my front yard. That means something to me.

I ruined it for you though. You got the facts & picture but not the joy. Sorry about that.

This morning I discovered something about joy while in a depressive sob fest state & psychotically googling for answers. First I googled 'how to find joy' & received several page options with 3-40 steps plans for attaining joy. No joy there.

My next google endeavor were the words joy + bible verse + comfort. Here is where I found my discovery.  The Old Testament uses the word joy more than the New Testament. Yes, the Old Testament is size-y-er by general word count. But still, shouldn't the New Testament have more 'joy' in it?  Isn't that where the mystery in Christ is revealed?

God thinks differently.  He put each joy where it goes.

Why more joy in the old then the new? Not a clue. I have ideas, but really... no clue. It's a mystery.

I've learned something about the power of mystery. There is joy in not having to figure out everything right now.  There is joy in not putting everything on social media & saving it just for the most important people in my life. There is joy in waiting to share big news face to face. Do I readily purge every insight I've gained on others in a 3 or 40 step plan of facts and pictures. Or do I encourage them in their joy filled journey of discovery? Yes, I realize the irony in blogging this.

I also learned how backwards Joy is. Happy are those who mourn & are poor in spirit (Matt 5:3&4). Consider it pure joy when you face trials (James 1:2). More joy in the Old Testament than the New. Joy is living through a battle & waiting until the scars radiate beauty. Joy is not avoiding the battle.

So... I still feel joyless much of the time. But I'm working on living in mystery more often. I'm working on sharing life in ways that don't cheapen what is most important. It can be as simple as planting or creating something new just to see what pops up - letting joy happen in the surprise of what the day or moment might hold.

Joy: stopping the google search engine or what I think I know & waiting for God to show me the legit picture in His time.

 but just as it is written,
“Things which eye has not seen and ear has not heard,
And which have not entered the heart of man,
All that God has prepared for those who love Him.”
   

1 Cor 2:9

***a special shout out to my proofers Tracy & Mandy. They allow you to understand the very messy thing that is my brain. They also let me keep the word size-y-er.   If you ever notice a mistake it's cause I changed it after they corrected it.  Thanks guys!

don't judge my corn

Don't judge my corn.  It isn't exactly picture perfect.  It's definitely not the husked ear of corn you'd hope to unwrap from the market.  It's got obvious gaps.

But don't judge my corn.

You might extend grace if you knew the story.  It was a lone corn stalk growing alone without others to help pollinate it into fullness: READ.  Oh, bless it's heart.  It really tried to be complete, poor thing.  (I'm absurdly attached to this corn plant).

We all have gaps: daddy issues, anger issues, little man syndrom, mama's boy, EGR(extra grace required), clingy, needy, drama queen, busy body, attention whore.  Oh, the list can go on & on & it doesn't get any cleaner as I go.

Yeah, bless their heart!  They need grace.

Every now & then circumstances meet in a perfect storm.  People can get husked - all their inside gaps show.  This happened to Peter.  Peter, little man syndrome, know it all, over zealous & reeking of attention whore, his gaps are well documented in the gospels.

He tried to walk over to Jesus, via water.  He missed his destination.  He sank.  All doubt is now removed, Peter's got issues.   He, afterall, couldn't keep his eyes on Jesus.  Maybe he was lacking in faith, maybe he wasn't 'living free'.

Bless his heart, I bet he looked all foolish as he started sinking in terror.   I wonder what those unhusked disciples in the boat thought.  As painful as it is to feel judged, I don't know that I would rise above pitying Peter gaps.

Many of us may live tension with faith.  We want to step out in faith, but fear letting our gaps show.   We feel the pressure to perform, keep it together.  We take misplaced responsibility of making faith look easy & then await affirmation from others who are conviced we are leaning on grace.   There is calm, but no peace.

However, the very act of stepping off the boat admits self defeat.
Stepping out in faith isn't pretty.
Leaning on grace is messy buisness.
There is no calm.

But there is peace.

Yes, stepping off the boats admints self defeat.  Therein is the freedom.  We must own our deficits boldly & reflect brighter His grace.

Paul is another one with gaps.  He talks about them in 2 Cor 12.   Interesting thing here:  In verse 9 my bible has some red letters - meaning these are direct words from God.

 My grace is sufficent for you, My power is perfected in your weakness   

2 Cor 12:9a.

 Perhaps this fundamental truth is so far above human comprehension that God had to speak it directly to Paul.  I lean on this verse for comfort in hard times, but a rarely let this truth penetrate my everyday life.

I want 'extra grace required' people evoke spiritual jealousy instead of spiritual pity/judgement.  How did requiring more grace get twisted into a bad thing?  (Luke 7:36-50)

I also wish to be & be around husked, bare people even when the world condemns or pitys the weakness.

Peter, afterall, walked on water.

But greater than that, he knew how badly he needed Jesus.  The good looking fools in the boat forfeited this experience.

Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, 

so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.   

2 Cor 12:9b