off season

I'm not on a roller derby team.

I'm not a 120 lb fitness buff.

My house is not clean.

Several house projects are STILL unfinished.

I did not attain all of my gardening goals.

2015 closed & about all I can say for myself is that I graduated from 1 lb to 2 lbs in rehab after shoulder surgery. I've over used it with gardening & house projects. Torn labrum - it's a 'younger persons' injury & typically done with overhead sports, which I do not play. I do think my methods of gardening now qualify as a sport. Right? 

With the frozen January earth dirt, this gardening sport of mine is in it's off season. Regardless, I'm not medically cleared to lift a shovel. I am off season. Off season means no derby for me for a few more months & no labor intensive house projects. That lofty weigh-loss goal? Yea right. Instead I've been struggling to reach overhead & pass shoulder movement 101. Goal setting can be disappointing business. 

A wise friend of mine was recently talking about goals & said "I just want to run a better race." She is not a track star. Perhaps she has come to grips with the fact that checking off our to-do lists & feeling accomplished are always going to elude us.  She was referring to this:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Heb 12:1-3

I've lied to myself. There is no off season. There is always the race. It matters not how incapacitated I am. So now it is 2016, & after dwelling on this passage I'm changing the ways I make goals for 2016.

#1 Pitch my way.
So far being on a roller derby team still makes my goal list for 2016. So does gardening that brings in income for community impact/charity. I may be wrong about these goals. I was wrong about a lot last year. I don't get to rejoice for being drafted on a roller derby team. I'm rejoicing in 2lb size achievements as my rehab progresses. I'm not going to lie, 2 lbs actually is pretty hard for me right now. The bigger issue is how am I running the race HE marked out for me.

#2 Pitch the sin.
Sometimes it is, in fact, OK to be 'too hard' on myself in matters of sin - so long as I tune into the redemptive grace of God beckoning me to a better way. How am I to understand the enormity of God's grace if I am forever shrinking my vast sin into bite sized proportions.  In matters of gluttony, pride, jealousy, fear (I could keep going) resting on His grace does not mean resting in my sin. 

#3 Pitch being realistic.
I'm going to set goals higher than anything I could possibly accomplish without Christ. How else am I to keep my eyes fixed on Him? I've settled year after year for mediocre goals & ended up living out a mediocre faith. By end of year I would like to reflect on one thing. Not failure, nor success, but what did God do?

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, 

as working for the Lord, not for human masters. 

Col 3:23

strawberries, you're doing it wrong!!

One of my June-bearing* strawberry plant didn't get the memo. It's blooming now. Late SUMMER!!

Strawberry plant, you're doing it wrong!

SEE. LOOK!  I have now fully documented on media the shame of this rogue plant. If they spend their effort putting forth a harvest now, then they might not produce as well come next June. WRONG!

Little strawberry plant shouldn't feel so bad. Apparently there are a lot of things I do WRONG. The inter webs tell me I've been cutting watermelon WRONG, I've been addressing my emails WRONG, I've been wrapping my duvet WRONG (not that I have one), apparently I've even been eating tic-tac's WRONG for years.

I shouldn't feel so bad. Apparently there are a lot of things the world does WRONG. Moms & dads are doing it WRONG. Democrats, Republicans, Yoga pant wearers all are WRONG WRONG WRONG! Full documentation on social media shows the shame.

Our world sayith let all eyes be on the shamed & never the mocker, the scoffer, the critic.

In truth, a critical attitude says very little about the state of the world around me, but instead says volumes about my ultimate trust in HIM - the Faithful One. If the character of my heart knew Him better as the Great I AM, I wouldn't need to iron my undergarments from their giant twists.

Strawberries, I let you bloom. Though you didn't adhere to my plan.

Yes, there is still wrong in this world. Yes, in a loving relationship we can encourage people to turn towards God. But first check out the plank that may be in your eye (Matt 5:7). & if it is a stone you seek to throw just put it down, even if your right (John 8:1-9). 

Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?” “No, Lord,” she said. And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”  

John 8:10 & 11

*June-bearing strawberries have one big harvest per year. Harvest can start as early as March thru June. In contrast Everbearing strawberries produce a steady harvest throughout the growing season.

adventures in huckelberry

the first rule of huckleberry picking in Idaho is don't talk about huckleberry picking.


So, this summer I've been a bit fanatical about fruit. I've had friends give me lbs of their apples, blackberries, tomatoes etc. I've been turning them into canned goods to sell so I can raise money for a missions trip 2016. So when we were on holiday in the mountains of Idaho this summer I was thrilled to find out the huckleberrys were ripe. All I need to do was find some & jam them.

Idaho, um beautiful!, has several small communities throughout it's mountains. The particular one we visited has friendly faces, hardworking hands & weathered wisdom.  I've been able to spend a bit of my time in this same community from the time I was little. But being at a community & being in a community... they are two different things.

'so where do you find these huckleberries?'  Seems like an acceptable question. But in truth I was asking a question that challenged decades of family secrecy. Most people knew where to find them - as their freezers were full of frozen huckleberries from last years pickings. But getting someone to share this information was quite another affair. Others may have been deterred, but I was determined.

So where do you find huckleberries?
To the honest, this question met silent smiles.
The tactful answered 'oh I don't know, but I know where you can find a great huckleberry shake or pie'
The semi helpful informed me that they were somewhere within the 40 acre circumference - of rugged mountain brush.

My favorite was the helpful smile with detailed instructions to where to find this treasure. 'It's our family secret' she said. She explained that her family wasn't coming up to pick this year, so she might as well share. 'do you have a bucket? because there are piles of them'. Two locations she gave me. I went to the airfield first. After 1 1/2 hours I thought perhaps I missed them. The next set of instructions led me straight to the town dump. 'piles of them' echoed in my ears.

Yes, being at a community is a lot different than being in a community. we all have our valued commodities that we are deeply petrified to share - friendship, identity, attention, leadership, wisdom, the top seat at the table. Almost every community can find itself being stingy in one regard or another. How are you with your commodities? are you afraid they will run out? do you share or do you fear? See, someone always knows when they are not truly let in. No amount of polite tact can make up for that.  It's time to forsake the misplaced value & return it to the stranger & the outsider.

So how did my huckleberry journey end? I couldn't really say. But I do have 2 jars of homemade huckleberry jam that I am selling to fund a missions trip in 2016. Interested?

up a birdseed view

I like birds. They don't really care for me. For a time, they liked my bird feeder that I got for Mother's Day last year. It brought such joy as different birds paid my feed a visit. Success! I'm helping the birdies! Maybe they like me. 

They stopped frequenting late last summer when the bird feeder was neglected. I can't really blame them, I broke trust. I delivered & then I didn't. The well ran dry & they moved on. Logically makes sense. But really, is there anything more sad then an empty bird feeder?


I say yes. A full, abandoned one. Late in the season I was ready to shape up & show up. I filled the feeder, I wasn't going to let them down again. But the birds had none of it. They didn't come back.

A few weeks ago - Now spring I was eager to try again. New bird seed, new year, new start. We get new beginnings right? Especially in real relationships & not just birdseed related ones of my dramatic back yard. (my mind channel flips to a reality TV preview on desperate lil' birds of helen's yard)

The stink of the human condition. Some relationships, it doesn't matter how you try, will they ever be the same again? The birds still did not come back. 

3-4 weeks after 2015 feeder went up, I watched the untouched $40 piece of food filled plastic sway in the wind. I let this sad message of broken trust sink in. Humans! Who needs them? Humans! Why do I have to be such a human too! Silence. Sigh. Silence.

"I Am always faithful" - He broke the silence.

"yes Lord, You Are."  Here I was feeling pitiful because I've been 'consistent' & haven't built back a bird's trust.  God knows what that is like & His consistent faithfulness supersedes mine beyond all comparison. I'm a lot closer in comparison to an un-trusting bird.

How seldom I dwell on His faithfulness. I throw my head in the air & whine instead of opening my eyes to see God providing the manna.
God does not have a faithfulness problem, I have a gratitude problem.
It is the practice of gratitude that opens our eyes to see His faithfulness.

Gratitude is not the act of spraying perfume on manure & fooling ourselves into being happy with it. Gratitude is simply seeking & recognizing the flower that grows out of the fertilizer. & my friend, if there is simply no flower or fruit, it is time to stop looking at the pooh.

The stink of the human condition ought never outweigh the faithfulness of God in our thoughts.

No birds. Oh well.

He Is FAITHFUL.

God is not human, that He should lie, 

not a human being, that He should change His mind. 

Does He speak and then not act? 

Does He promise and not fulfill? 

Numbers 23:19

a Hand in the wild

Tulips are my first memory of experiencing what can grow. I remember the bright red line of happy dancing blooms. I would pretend they were more fragrant than they were. They brought joy. My family grew lots of other things, but I never really thought much of it all, honestly, until I wanted it for myself.

At age 21, married, we landed in a home where I could hear a rooster crowing. This was MY TIME to garden - even if I didn't have a clue what I was doing. My husband & I lived on a small plot next to farmland. The sod was freshly laid atop a field that had grow weeds for years.

I ripped up some sod & planted a few rows of corn. All I got was weeds, tall weeds. Failure. Tall embarrassing failure. And, this being our first yard, we were also failures at lawn care. Our neighbor reported us to the authorities for having noxious weeds. We have litigious documentation of our failure.

5 years, a new home & 2 kids later... Still no garden success. I had a few raspberry canes & a rose bush that never bloomed. Pregnant with my 3rd, I put all my hope into raspberries. Their care matched the energy I didnt have left. Unfortunatly a broad leave killer got too close. Bye bye raspberries. Hello my friend failure.

That same year was a total fail in the yard world as well. We began referring to our yard as a jungle because it literally was. The fence was covered in vine, several trees & bushes volunteered from the ground & were left unchecked. The surface area where actual grass was growing became smaller & smaller. We lived in jungle wild.

I was delusional thinking I could ever possibly garden. I couldn't even keep grass alive. & everything that was living was crowding out my sense of sanity! Being preggers & perhaps a tad hormonal, these circumstances were met with a perhaps less rational & more emotional mind.

That was a week before I was admitted to the hospital. My growing baby was 21 weeks along. Fortunately babe #3 was fine. I, however, had a kidney stone that was not curable while pregnant. After an uncomfortable device was surgically implanted inside my 'tummy area' I was discharged from the hospital. I still remember the relentless pain & helpless feeling. I could now do nothing.

The day I came home my sweet husband, feeling a bit helpless as well, decided he was going to wage war on the jungle wild. While laying on the couch I saw clompers, a chain saw, gloves, duct tape & several implements of destruction heading out the back door.

After a while, he came back in.

He was carrying a watermelon.

I was confused. Did he steal it? Did he leave me here with Babe #1 & #2 to run off to the store while I was on bed rest? Was this a joke? Did a neighbor give it to him? Funny... We don't have any neighbors growing anything that I'm aware of.

"It was growing in the middle of our yard. There is another one just like it still there." , he said. 

I was still confused. "that was jungle out there! How did a watermelon plant... Oh I remember when we were eating watermelon & spitting the seeds off the back porch. That was like 3 months ago!"

This hidden watermelon treasure in the midst of my helplessness & failure spoke volumes to me:

    true value vs perception

    relentless nature of life - seeds WANT growth

    we sow seeds, but the LORD brings harvest.

    fruit is undeniable & unmistakable

    patience thru failure

    forfeiting gratitude in failure to see good

    God does not abide inside my limited view

Today I'm reminded that it all comes back around to SPACE. If two watermelons could grow neglected among the weeks, then perhaps conditions are favorable in that spot. The next year I experience the first successful garden...in the middle of my yard...in that spot. Not exactly the space I would have chosen.

Babylon was the perfect lush place to create a garden & build up to the heavens (Gen 11). Yet it is in the wilderness, in that space, where God told his people to build a tabernacle - the place where God dwells. It is in the wilderness where the Glory of the Lord appeared (Ex 40:24-35).

My space doesn't need to build anything. My space; my heart, mind, soul & body, just needs to be a place where God can dwell - Emmanuel.

Now, I have tulips & more thriving. Also that rose bush finally bloomed. My garden failures, although still numerous, do not draw police attention to my house. (We can now thank our barking beagle for that.) I find serenity digging in earth dirt, regardless my seeming inability to make success - knowing instead the joy that God meets me there & speaks to me through His success. 

But I the Lord will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.

I will make rivers flow on barren heights, and springs within the valleys.

I will turn the desert into pools of water, and the parched grown into springs.

I will put in the desert the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive.

I will set junipers in the wasteland, the fir and the cypress together,

so that people may see and know, may consider and understand,

that the hand of the LORD has done this,

that the Holy One of Israel has created it.

Isaiah 41:17-20

for starters

A new season is starting. The ground is thawing. Gardeners are starting their seeds indoors, local nurseries are opening their doors with bright flowers. It can be easy, especially for newbies in the garden world, to get lost in the splash of color. So where to begin?

For starters, you need to set aside the SPACE
Space - the yielded surrendered kind - must precede all, even the seed.

I've heard it said that the journey is always more important than the destination; the correct process valued above the final achievement. In growth; the land wins over the harvest. Yes, it is also important in preparation for a garden to clear the debris, rocks & nutrient sapping weeds. The selected spot must have adequate water drainage, good soil, sunlight etc. But let me lay aside this myth... even if everything isn't in perfect condition...I've seen plants grow, even fruit.

How?
Because it has surrendered SPACE, even if it is just a little.

I have seen fruit grow in weeds - watermelon (great story). I currently have a discarded raspberry bush that found survival on a rocky path.  No, not ideal, but it has happened. See, the biggest messes can become purposeful simply by setting aside, or find space for a higher purpose.

Conversely, unsurrendered good soil turns wasteland. It doesn't take long for opportunistic seedlings to drift via wind & take hold of the soil. Or good land that has been worked without rest turns desolate. I'm reminded of the tower of Babel (Gen 11:4). They had space, man power, an effective idea, team work, tools, but the result was fallow land, scattered & confused people simply because they didn't set it all aside for a higher purpose.

I compare a garden to my heart. Many are the plans & figurative weeds/rocks inside. Unless I continually start each day, each endeavour, each thought & each next step with the yielding of the space, I will toil to built my tall towers of purpose in vain.

Surrender EACH step, not just the first.

The good news is that God transforms yielded spaces, however rocky, into good soil.

In fact He is the only one who can.

We can make our own plans, but the LORD gives the right answer.

People may be pure in their own eyes, but the LORD examines their motives.

Commit your actions to the LORD, and your plans will succeed.

The LORD has made everything for his own purposes.

even the wicked for a day of disaster.

The LORD detests the proud; they will surely be punished.

Unfailing love and faithfulness make atonement for sin.

By fearing the LORD, people avoid evil.

When people's lives please the LORD, even their enemies are at peace with them.

Better to have little, with godliness, that to be rich and dishonest.

We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.

Proverbs 16: 1-9

about a flower

Bam!  Beautiful!  Full bloom brilliance.  A flower is not difficult to recognize.  I've never heard anyone say "I think that was a flower, but I wasn't sure".  They are unmistakable.

Fall rolls in & the mums bloom.  Another season, featuring different flowers.   My faulty garden planning did not account for fall blooms.  The annual flowers have faded, perennials out of season.  All I have are herbs - rosemary, thyme, oregano, basil etc.  Lots of pretty greenery, no pretty blooms.  Herbs can bloom, but typically they bolt.

Blooming & bolting produce unmistakable flowers. The process inside the plant is what defines the difference for blooming vs bolting.

To bloom - The product of a healthy plant in a reproductive cycle to establish new seeds, or provide fruit.

To bolt - when a crop prematurely flowers due to stress & unhealthy conditions.  The plant panics & must reproduce quickly in case death is imminent. The crop becomes very bitter to taste.

Here is wiki paraphrased:
To bloom: flourish, a time of vitality, beauty, fragrance.
To bolt: to run quickly away or as a method to fastening something. Not exactly the horticulture definition, but quite telling with connotation.

Am I blooming or am I bolting?

I can clearly identify bolting in my life.  Times of stress, hurt, pride - when I should have been focused on drawing into the vine - John 15:5.  Instead I was focused on those flowers that I thought I could have.  A tree is known by it's fruit, so what am I if I'm not producing fruit?

Even in my front yard it is easy to play the comparison game.  My herbs... there is just not many brilliant flowers there.  It's not their season, nor their purpose.  My neighbors mums - simply breathtaking. (I thought it was a bit stalker-ish to snap a pic of them, so I posted a marigold pic above that I took this summer)

Blooming?  or bolting?

Perhaps its in the words: stress, bitter, fear, pressure, feeling confined, wanting to run or escape. Feelings of having something to prove to others, self or God.  Discontentment,  Very little is as frustrating as watching my best efforts shoot up into a bitter mess.

Even in my front yard it is easy to play the comparison game.  My herbs... they are not brilliant flowers.  It's not their season, nor their purpose.  My neighbors mums - simply breathtaking.

Antidote to bolting?  Let me define another term.

ABIDE

According to Merriam-Webster, Abide is defind as this: TO WAIT for.  to endure without yielding: withstanding.  to bear patiently.  to REMAIN stable or fixed in a state.  to continue in a place.

Take a break from the outward appearance, blooming & fruiting. The French proverb should not be 'bloom where you are planted'.  The proverb should read ABIDE where you are planted.   Sorry to the French, you're wrong on this one.

Abiding is prayer, reading His word, sitting at His feet & listening, living out psalm 84 without interruption.  Being content being HIS.

Healthy plants abide.  Only healthy plants bloom.

My herbs in my front garden are healthy but their value is not in their bloom. They don't need that kind of attention. I will soon harvest & dry their leaves. They will be a sweet fragrance & a savory flavor in my home throughout a dormant winter season.  I could run out and get some hardy mums - blooms are wonderful things - but this year, this season... I really need this reminder of abiding.

Trust in the Lord and do good; 

dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Take delight in the Lord, 

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord; 

trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,

your vindication like the noonday sun.

Be still before the Lord

and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when people succeed in their ways,

when they carry out their wicked schemes.

 Psalm 37:3-7