a mystery of joy

This is a bachelors button plant. Centaura montana native to europe. This evergreen plant should maintain its leaves even in winter. It grows well in acid or alkaline soils, light sand to clay-like soil & is drought resistant. The only downside is that it doesn't grow in water logged areas. Thanks wikipedia for the info! We all feel smarter now.

This plant brought me joy this summer. Not because I knew about this plant, but because I didn't. In early May I went to my favorite lil' plant shop. I bought a plant that had leaf structure like echinacea, but a bit different. There were no flowers & no tag to identify this plant.

I bought it, planted it, watered it & waited with one purpose: to find joy in discovering what it is. Kinda like a Christmas present.

Joy for me is not in my nature. I struggle. I have to intentionally pull stunts like this so I can stretch my underdeveloped joy muscles. Otherwise I live in the space where I twist happy things into sad & words of encouragement into condemnation. Depression has often been at war deep within me. It is right now.
  
But I can find joy that I have a Centaura Montana growing in my front yard. That means something to me.

I ruined it for you though. You got the facts & picture but not the joy. Sorry about that.

This morning I discovered something about joy while in a depressive sob fest state & psychotically googling for answers. First I googled 'how to find joy' & received several page options with 3-40 steps plans for attaining joy. No joy there.

My next google endeavor were the words joy + bible verse + comfort. Here is where I found my discovery.  The Old Testament uses the word joy more than the New Testament. Yes, the Old Testament is size-y-er by general word count. But still, shouldn't the New Testament have more 'joy' in it?  Isn't that where the mystery in Christ is revealed?

God thinks differently.  He put each joy where it goes.

Why more joy in the old then the new? Not a clue. I have ideas, but really... no clue. It's a mystery.

I've learned something about the power of mystery. There is joy in not having to figure out everything right now.  There is joy in not putting everything on social media & saving it just for the most important people in my life. There is joy in waiting to share big news face to face. Do I readily purge every insight I've gained on others in a 3 or 40 step plan of facts and pictures. Or do I encourage them in their joy filled journey of discovery? Yes, I realize the irony in blogging this.

I also learned how backwards Joy is. Happy are those who mourn & are poor in spirit (Matt 5:3&4). Consider it pure joy when you face trials (James 1:2). More joy in the Old Testament than the New. Joy is living through a battle & waiting until the scars radiate beauty. Joy is not avoiding the battle.

So... I still feel joyless much of the time. But I'm working on living in mystery more often. I'm working on sharing life in ways that don't cheapen what is most important. It can be as simple as planting or creating something new just to see what pops up - letting joy happen in the surprise of what the day or moment might hold.

Joy: stopping the google search engine or what I think I know & waiting for God to show me the legit picture in His time.

 but just as it is written,
“Things which eye has not seen and ear has not heard,
And which have not entered the heart of man,
All that God has prepared for those who love Him.”
   

1 Cor 2:9

***a special shout out to my proofers Tracy & Mandy. They allow you to understand the very messy thing that is my brain. They also let me keep the word size-y-er.   If you ever notice a mistake it's cause I changed it after they corrected it.  Thanks guys!

don't judge my corn

Don't judge my corn.  It isn't exactly picture perfect.  It's definitely not the husked ear of corn you'd hope to unwrap from the market.  It's got obvious gaps.

But don't judge my corn.

You might extend grace if you knew the story.  It was a lone corn stalk growing alone without others to help pollinate it into fullness: READ.  Oh, bless it's heart.  It really tried to be complete, poor thing.  (I'm absurdly attached to this corn plant).

We all have gaps: daddy issues, anger issues, little man syndrom, mama's boy, EGR(extra grace required), clingy, needy, drama queen, busy body, attention whore.  Oh, the list can go on & on & it doesn't get any cleaner as I go.

Yeah, bless their heart!  They need grace.

Every now & then circumstances meet in a perfect storm.  People can get husked - all their inside gaps show.  This happened to Peter.  Peter, little man syndrome, know it all, over zealous & reeking of attention whore, his gaps are well documented in the gospels.

He tried to walk over to Jesus, via water.  He missed his destination.  He sank.  All doubt is now removed, Peter's got issues.   He, afterall, couldn't keep his eyes on Jesus.  Maybe he was lacking in faith, maybe he wasn't 'living free'.

Bless his heart, I bet he looked all foolish as he started sinking in terror.   I wonder what those unhusked disciples in the boat thought.  As painful as it is to feel judged, I don't know that I would rise above pitying Peter gaps.

Many of us may live tension with faith.  We want to step out in faith, but fear letting our gaps show.   We feel the pressure to perform, keep it together.  We take misplaced responsibility of making faith look easy & then await affirmation from others who are conviced we are leaning on grace.   There is calm, but no peace.

However, the very act of stepping off the boat admits self defeat.
Stepping out in faith isn't pretty.
Leaning on grace is messy buisness.
There is no calm.

But there is peace.

Yes, stepping off the boats admints self defeat.  Therein is the freedom.  We must own our deficits boldly & reflect brighter His grace.

Paul is another one with gaps.  He talks about them in 2 Cor 12.   Interesting thing here:  In verse 9 my bible has some red letters - meaning these are direct words from God.

 My grace is sufficent for you, My power is perfected in your weakness   

2 Cor 12:9a.

 Perhaps this fundamental truth is so far above human comprehension that God had to speak it directly to Paul.  I lean on this verse for comfort in hard times, but a rarely let this truth penetrate my everyday life.

I want 'extra grace required' people evoke spiritual jealousy instead of spiritual pity/judgement.  How did requiring more grace get twisted into a bad thing?  (Luke 7:36-50)

I also wish to be & be around husked, bare people even when the world condemns or pitys the weakness.

Peter, afterall, walked on water.

But greater than that, he knew how badly he needed Jesus.  The good looking fools in the boat forfeited this experience.

Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, 

so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.   

2 Cor 12:9b